Recovering from years of stress..
We all experience stress and stressful events in our lives. We probably have all heard of the issues it causes mentally and physically, yet it is only until we experience its effects in full force, do we then understand how serious it can be. I have lived with CPTSD (complex post traumatic stress disorder) for around 8 years now. That, along side the most stressful 3 years of my life; working 30+ hours whilst studying full time at university, experiencing a lot of loss and grief alongside that and the constant pressure to make ends meat. I have only just come to the realisation that my nervous system is completely overworked. I am now tasked with doing the hardest thing.. resting and recovering. Our society does not hold rest very highly- we often view it as being ‘lazy’ or unmotivated. I often like to exercise, be productive and fill my days to ensure I don’t ‘waste’ them. Yet here I am, exhausted and lacking the energy to even do a 2 mile walk.
So, how did this manifest in my body?
For years I have dealt with, at times, debilitating anxiety. On a good day, I will have to push myself to leave the house without too much resistance. On the worst day, even leaving my bed is terrifying. Recently, the years of high cortisol have manifested through being physically ill. My immune system is pretty much shot. I recently had Covid for 4 weeks, exhausted, swollen glands and thumping headaches came with it. I finally thought I was free of that, when I caught what the doctors think is a stomach infection. As I currently write this, I still have it. I have now had 4 weeks of throwing up food, one day I can have a mushroom soup, the next I am throwing it up. I can’t keep food or water down.
This isn’t my usual, gentle writing. But it is the unfortunate truth - years of overworking my body has taken its toll. I am still exhausted and my days are now spent trying to get all the right nutrients to stay down!
The worst part of having to rest and be slow and gentle is that I feel that I am not myself. I have been active since I was so young, running and working out, lifting heavy weights for years and enjoying long hikes. I have built some of my identity around being active and pushing myself. I like the idea of being more extreme in my exercise- maybe it was a way of viewing myself in an elitist way. Yet now, it is all stripped away. I feel restless, uncertain and desperate to get back to being active. I am sure this is a lesson I need to learn. One I am finding exceptionally difficult. I am a stubborn bastard, and so is my poor health. I think for the first time in awhile, I may concede so I can succeed in the future.
This type of burnout has crept up on me- I am sure other people would have noticed it earlier, yet my upbringing and independent nature ensured I just ‘soldiered through’. Yet that clearly hasn’t served me very well, and it may not be serving you very well.
I wanted to write this post, as I think it is so important for us to take more care of ourselves, especially as we live in such stress-inducing times. Don’t wait until you are so ill to regulate your nervous system, start by Implementing little rituals into your daily life. For now, I prioritise sleep, I am in bed by 9pm, which is quite boring for a 27 year old with no children. I have had to leave evening drinks with friends early to make sure I am in bed at a reasonable time. Again, not in my nature, but I must commit to getting better. It may seem overwhelming and impossible to try and minimise stress, especially if you have children, bills to pay and a high stressed job.
Try and change a few things in your life that can help manage stress and burnout. Read a few pages before sleep so your mind isn’t racing, spend time in the morning with a hot drink and some quiet time, go for a walk and don’t listen to music. Come back to your breath. I am finding that now I have more slow and quiet time, I am focusing on slowing my breath. I also am having more baths, and being careful on what programmes I watch. Try and avoid TV shows/music that increases your heart rate. To manage stress or recover from burnout, it is important that you are surrounded (as much as possible) by a calm environment. If you can’t have that all the time, even adding 5 mins of breath work a day can help regulate your nervous system.
Let my lesson be your lesson; change the conditioning from productivity is superior to rest is fundamental. Rest is the foundation of any productivity, success and happiness. You wouldn’t run a marathon empty, sleep deprived and lacking energy. Life is our marathon, we won’t get very far down the path if we are not correctly fuelled.
I hope, unlike me, you can manage your stress and give yourself grace.
Take care, Beatrice x
